Filed under: Seattle, Uncategorized | Tags: Dharma, meditation, Seattle Insight Meditation Society, SIMS
I feel as though I’m coming up from underground, but I’ve left my ability to write buried. The world is starting to look hopeful again, but I can yell and no sound comes out. I’m still disconnected.
Filed under: Seattle, Uncategorized | Tags: depression, family, isolation, saddness, safety
Things are fine if I don’t think about them, which doesn’t help much. When I’m distracted, I forget where I am, who I am, and where I am, and feel alright. But the backswing—the fear of the fear—comes back that much harder when I remember.
The weekend at home was ultimately good. It was great to see my family and great to see Colly Olly on her wedding day. It made me feel normal. The safety of home was reassuring, but not as alluring as I had both feared and hoped. I’d hoped to find somewhere that I felt safe, but I feared not wanting to leave again. In a sad way, that didn’t happen. Even hugging my mother in my childhood home didn’t bring a sense of calm to me. It’s good to know it’s not Seattle; it lousy to know that if Mom can’t comfort you, no one can.
